War! What Is It Good For?
by Dreamstallion33
Summary: “Emmett, I guarantee you my sex life is far more fulfilling than yours,” Jasper said smugly. “And that my brother, is exactly why I have declared war!" The unofficial sequel to "Let's Talk About Sex" Alice's PoV. mild-sexual references. ONESHOT! R


**Author's Note: **Hi everyone! I hope you're all enjoying you're summer. The sun finally decided to make an appearance by me and I've been soaking it up! Also, among other things I started work and it's just been a bit difficult to get on here. So for those of you who are following my fic I Saw Emmett Naked I apologize for not having an update for you. I ended up changing the idea I had for the next chapter, but I'll try not to keep you waiting too much longer; hopefully this little nugget will tide everyone over for a bit. Which brings me to the fic you are all about to read. For everyone who liked Let's Talk About Sex. This oneshot is an unofficial sequel inspired by a conversation I had with _Blood Red Kiss of Death_ (it's unofficial because you don't really need to read the aforementioned fic, but shhh, because if you haven't read the other fic you really should!). That's it for now...Go read!

**Shameless Plug:** Let's Talk About Sex has been nominated for best comedy on the _Razzle Dazzle Awards_, the link is on my profile, please vote! Thanks :-)

**Disclaimer: **I'm beginning to think the fact that BDSM(i:e Breaking Dawn by Stephenie Meyer)is subliminal, in which case Stephenie really does own more than the characters here, etc.

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**War! What Is It Good For?****  


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The wedding was over. It had been a success, but I can't exactly say I didn't see it coming. Bella and Edward had long since been whisked off to Isle Esme and all the guests had cleared out soon after. The clean up wouldn't take long especially with Carlisle and Esme handling the mess inside the house and the four of us working together outside, though Emmett and Jasper were not very productive, arguing in hushed whispers and throwing me and Rosalie furtive glances.

They couldn't agree on something, so I was completely at a loss, and slightly annoyed. If Emmett and Jasper were up to something the outcome could not be good.

As I scooped up several trays of food and dumped them in a garbage bag, Rosalie walked by carrying all of the flowers that had been in the yard, her nose scrunched with revulsion.

"Hey Rose?" I nodded toward Jasper and Emmett who were so engrossed in discussion they wouldn't have heard me if I had spoken to Rosalie through a megaphone.

She glanced at me trying to lean away from the flowers, "Can it wait? These are way too strong, I'm pretty sure if I had the ability to be nauseous I would be."

"If you had the ability to be nauseous they wouldn't smell that bad."

Rosalie grimaced, "Bella did mention how wonderful the bouquets smelled."

"Oh, alright that was rude of me," I hung my head remorsefully. "They were difficult for me to tolerate too."

"It doesn't matter," Rosalie waved her hand extravagantly, pushing the whole matter aside. "Is there something you needed? Because it's going to take me forever to get this smell off me."

I glanced at Emmett and Jasper who were still talking but now fooling around with the leftover cake. Rosalie followed my gaze.

"Do you know what they're up to?" I asked shuddering as Emmett ended up with a mouthful of cake.

Rosalie chuckled, "Are they up to something?"

"Yes," I nodded, "I think…"

"Don't you _know_?" Rosalie asked apathetically.

"Not yet. It's all just flashes of ideas."

Rosalie rolled her eyes, "What kind of ideas?"

I shook my head trying to clear it, "They're having a contest or a bet or something."

Rose snorted, "And why exactly do _I_ care?"

I gritted my teeth, "Because whatever it is involves _us_."

I was about to drop the entire matter with Rosalie until her laughter rang out through the backyard. Emmett and Jasper glanced our way momentarily before resuming their tête-à-tête.

"What exactly is so funny?" I asked indignantly.

Rosalie gasped for air unnecessarily, "Honestly Alice, it's more likely the bet is about Bella and Edward and how many times they'll—"

"Omigod," I squealed, smacking my forehead. "I need to tell Esme she's going to need to replace those pillows and maybe a few other pieces of furniture, just in case!"

Rosalie's eyes lit up with curiosity, momentarily, "Ugh! _Alice_! Did he really bite a pillow?!"

"Or two…" I shrugged, nonchalantly.

"No wait! I don't want to hear this! Don't talk about Edward losing his virginity!" She crossed her hands in front of her face, trying to banish the thoughts.

Jasper was beside me so fast, the lines between the present and future blurred temporarily.

"Bella and Edward are having sex?!" Jasper asked casually

Glancing at Emmett who was hacking up large chunks of cake Rosalie punched Jasper in the shoulder reprovingly. I giggled, "Forget it," I mumbled.

Emmett quickly recovered, shaking his head he darted toward us. "What?! You're telling me I'm just supposed to ignore the fact that Edward and Bella are making whoopee?! And it's all hot and sticky, well on Bella's part anyway…" Emmett chuckled lightly, quickly resuming his mock indignation. "What is this, some kind of teen romance novel where the author just cuts to black?"

"Emmett, it's not like I _want_ to have visions of Edward having sex!"

"That bad, huh? I knew it..." Emmett patted my shoulder lightly, clucking his tongue, "Poor kid just wouldn't listen to my advice."

"_You're advice?!_" Jasper snorted and Rosalie sneered, at the same time.

"Hey! It was solid advice! Better than Alice."

I swatted Emmett's shoulder. "What was wrong with telling him to bite a pillow? It was completely based in fact!"

"Yes, and it probably made him more aggressive."

Rosalie had dropped the flowers at her feet, finally and was removing pieces of pollen and plant debris from her dress, incredibly meticulously. "Oh I doubt anyone is more aggressive than you, Emmett," Rosalie deadpanned, glancing up to look at Emmett through her eyelashes, seductively.

"True," Emmett said puffing out his chest and smirking wildly, "but I'm pretty sure that mere suggestion from Alice has put our pedantic little Edward on a BDSM kick, or something."

"Ha! _Our little _Edward hasn't been pedantic since he _met_ Bella!" Rosalie scowled.

"Emmett has a point, Rosalie. All that pent up energy _has_ to go _somewhere_," Jasper said, biting his tongue to prevent what he wanted to say next from escaping.

"It just so happens that place is straight into Bella," Emmett muttered.

Jasper and Emmett exploded with laughs as I looked on aghast and Rosalie just ignored them, continuing to shed the pollen from her dress.

Emmett sighed, "Edward definitely has a wild side."

"I bet we can totally beat Edward in _that_ aspect!" Jasper murmured.

"What aspect?!" I asked massaging my temples, giving Jasper a disapproving look.

"Nothing!" Jasper and Emmett declared together suddenly busying themselves with the mess outside.

Rosalie holed herself up in her room for the rest of the night, probably to stare at her reflection. Carlisle had an emergency at the hospital and Esme was in her office pouring over blueprints for the cottage. I toyed with some fashion trends on my computer for a bit; mixing this, matching that. But I could hear Jasper and Emmett murmuring in the dinning room. I stood in the doorway just enough to see them, completely silent, listening suspiciously.

"If we're going to do this, there needs to be a clear set of rules," Jasper said poising a pen to paper.

I admired my husband for a moment, whatever they were up to he was levelheaded enough to set up a list of guidelines. But this fact worried me, they didn't usually go to so much trouble, and I still could not _see_ what they were up to...

Emmett shrugged, halfheartedly agreeing. "Fine! You can't use your powers at all."

"Then you must leave the space completely in tact," Jasper said scrawling both rules down with a flourish of his pen.

"Oh _come on_!" Emmett slammed the table lightly.

"Come on what?" Jasper smirked, "That fits under the rule of leaving the space, exactly as you left it."

Emmett threw his hands up, "Where's the fun in that?! What if I want to leave a crater in the school gym, from falling through the roof?"

"Mmhmm, good point! No more creating or destroying national landmarks."

"For the _last_ time, Rose and I did not collapse _The Old Man of the Mountain_ when we were in New Hampshire!"

Jasper laughed propping his legs up on the table, "Liar. You went hiking at midnight, didn't get back till two and it was all over the news that the face had collapsed later that morning!"

Emmett chuckled, "Rose is the one that can move mountains. But I have been known to cause the occasional earthquake and there _was _a minor tsunami once…It's not that we create natural disasters, it's that we _are_ one when we're together."

"More like an epic weapon of mass destruction!"

Emmett playfully knocked Jasper's feet off the table. "Go figure, the weapons of mass destruction were in the United States all along!" Emmett struck a pose, flexing his muscles.

"Emmett, I guarantee you my sex life is far more fulfilling than yours," Jasper said smugly.

"And that my brother, is exactly why I have declared war! Well that, and the fact that you and Alice decided to boink in my closet."

I smirked, remembering the closet escapade clearly…

Jasper clutched his stomach, shaking with laughter. "Okay, so it's war! We have a few basic rules. But what does the winner get?"

"To have sex with Rosalie," Emmett said matter-of-factly.

Jasper shook his head, "Thanks, but I'm not interested in Rosalie."

"I know. That's the prize because I'm going to win," Emmett said level-headedly, a smirk playing on his lips.

"But the whole game is about having sex!"

"It's not a _game_, its war!" Emmett grabbed Jasper's note pad and ripped it to shreds in several seconds, "Screw the rules and let's get screwing!"

"Esme won't like it if we destroy the house," Jasper said logically.

"Ha! Then I hope Bella and Edward don't break a headboard or something on Isle Esme."

It amazed me how they knew Rosalie and I would agree to this ridiculous sex war, being raged. At least _I_ already knew…

"What is Esme doing with Edward's room since she's building them a house, anyway?" Emmett asked thoughtfully.

"I don't know…Probably anything—" Jasper looked at Emmett as comprehension dawned on him.

"I declare all things belonging to Edward official war zone property! Best of luck, sucker!" Emmett said smacking his hand on the table and darting out of the dinning room and up the stairs. "Winner gets to make Edward sit through thoughts of all the sexcapades and double the money for that bet about Bella!"

"She's going to ravage Forks when she's a newborn!"

"We'll see about that!" Emmett said from the second landing. "Now if you'll excuse me I have a door to break down!"

There was the distinct sound of splintering wood from upstairs as Jasper walked out of the dinning room, casually.

"Alice?" he looked at me apologetically.

I smiled receptively, touching his arm, "I've never liked the concept of war, but I guess it is good for _something_."

He smiled and took my hand, pressing it to his cheek, "Do you know how to put together a piano?"

I laughed, "Just so you know, we lose."

"Can we pretend we _let_ them win?" he asked kissing my neck.

"Emmett loses too," I said relishing in my hands on his back, yearning to rip his shirt off.

Jasper stopped a moment to look me in the eye, "That doesn't make sense? Edward and Bella don't count!"

"Ah, but you forgot to account for Carlisle and Esme!" I giggled.

My fingers gently tapped the ivory keys as Jasper pressed me against the piano, his mouth moving down my neck. And for once, it didn't matter that I already knew how this would end...All that mattered was Jasper and his hands on the small of my back, bringing me closer to him...

So the sex war raged! It was the most active and ongoing bet Jasper and Emmett had ever agreed to. I can't even begin to recount all the things that were truly destroyed...

And just when it was all reaching quite a climax, literally, my visions of Isle Esme went black...


End file.
